Spotlight and circumstances

Don't invest effort in trying to manipulate other people's perception, or judgment, of your way of living. You had to do that when you went for a career, where others could influence how successful you would become. But this is exactly what you're getting away from now; make yourself independent of that. If your goal is to improve yourself and your decisions, beliefs, actions and feelings, then success depends on you alone, not on others, and therefore it's immaterial what they think about you.

What goes for the assessing eye of would-be superiors applies to more respectful recognition equally. If you've done something noticeable in your life, as most of us have in one way or another, then expectations may already weigh on you. Shed them. Don't invest energy in keeping up a prominence that would have been short-lived anyway (if history is any guide to such things).

We often get reflections about the whole of our lives going only when we are already in the middle of the action. We always start somewhere, and we're not responsible for where that is; but once started, we are in charge, and from there on it is our responsibility to get things right and steer the best course available, away from the more or less random starting point, towards the goals we have found, or are in the process of finding, when we reflect. Take care.

The winds of carnival

At certain times of the year, it's difficult not to be washed away by the exuberant festivities. Everybody is held captive by the flurry of activities; some rituals are so integral to people that you would be regarded as a social outsider in not recognizing them. Everybody does it, everybody enjoys it. What defective upbringing did you have that you don't?

These things ruthlessly demand our attention, time and energy; so if you have started reflecting philosophically on your life, meanwhile (and why else would you still be reading this?), then you're probably asking yourself what attitude to take towards them. Are these necessary elements of social life in which we have to engage? Or a nexus of pointless rituals and blatant excuses for yielding to bad habits, to drinking, bawling, wasting time? Should one try to be fully abstinent and thus exercise the greatest possible self-control; or should one take part demonstratively, but with good measure? Which ability is more valuable: to keep your ways even in the face of the strongest blasts, or to exercise balanced judgment and find the right degree of participation? Take care.

When to start doing philosophy

So you're going to start doing philosophy once you've secured your standard of living? You'll just make sure you have a sufficiently secure basis before you dedicate your life to reflecting, and improving yourself (as opposed to pursuing your career, and improving your bank account)? All in good time, I hear you saying: there is a time for action, and another for reflection (which is sometime later).

Let's trace our reasoning carefully here. If you think you should first secure a certain standard of living before even starting reflection on the goals of your life, then you have made one decision already: whatever else, whichever other goals might turn out to be important, that level of living well ranks higher. (You've also already taken for granted that the way you are building your career right now is the optimal way to do that.) Is that really how you see your priorities?

Consider also that all the time, energy and resources you've put into reaching your desired standard of living are lost for whatever those other goals might have been. Suppose your life happens to end just at the moment when you finally get there. Would you, in this case, say that you have spent your time wisely, that you've invested it in the most important cause that there was (namely, your standard of living)?

And are you sure that you can, and should, only then begin reflecting when these matters are settled? Imagine how things will look to you when you actually have reached that level, the one of which you now think that there you will stop, that there you won't want more, that there you will no longer postpone reflection on your real goals. What, in this situation, will compel you to actually stop, what will enable you to resist the desire for getting to an even higher standard before you get down to those other things, what will guarantee that you don't use the exactly same argument again which you're using now for not getting down to the real business of your life? (And what happens when, after you've started to reflect and go after your real goals, you fall back to some lower standard? Will you have to return to working on your career in that case?)

How was it some years ago: when you were on a lower standard of living? Since then, you've made progress in that area: you are now on a higher level than you were then. Why isn't that improvement enough, then? You might have said, at that earlier time, the same thing you're saying now. You might have argued that you wanted to get to some higher standard first, before starting something like philosophizing. Well — now you're there. So why not get down to it right away? Take care.

Don't substitute words for actions

Do you know that sort of person who is constantly pouring out advice, telling you all the time what should or shouldn't be done, and why? (You may suspect I'm of that sort, too - and presumably you're not that far off the mark. But at least I can say in my defense that I work quite hard on actually living by my views and put them to the test first, before I start recommending.)

It's far more easy to reflect and have some insights about how one should live than actually putting them into action. However easy or difficult it may be, though: it's what we're doing the reflection for. Remember why you started it: to live a good life means doing the right thing, as often as possible. And knowing what's the right thing (and knowing how often it is really possible to do it) is something to be supported and trained by philosophical reflection.

But just having those insights is not enough. They must be verified, and cemented by constant efforts, daily thought and action (which is actually more and harder work than just getting to the insights and agreeing to them). How can you be sure, each and every day, that you are still in tune with what you saw when you were reflecting? How can you satisfy yourself that you are actually following the guidance and principles of reason - unless you practice constant, close examination of all your views and actions?

And note that what you examine shouldn't be the things you're telling other people. That will only make you one of those talkers I mentioned. You have to monitor your actions, question your views, examine your feelings. Find out how you are, in fact, leading your life, and whether it matches what you'd tell others. Take care.

How to look into the future

It happens that I let an entire afternoon pass without getting anything useful done: because of something that is about to happen the next day, and that somehow looks very important to me, seizes my mind. It may be an important day at work, or a meeting with someone whom I'd really like to get to know more closely - generally something that will likely have some substantial influence on my life for at least some time. In such situations, it's terribly difficult for me to think of anything else but what will happen tomorrow. Even if I force myself to try and do something sensible, I quickly find myself back thinking about that other thing. (It's not something I'm proud of; sometimes I even get angry at myself later, but that's of course not helpful in the least.)

If you know that state of mind, you have perhaps wondered what is happening there. How can one actually know what one should do, have the time, be not blocked or hindered by anything - and still not do it? And it's not as if it would make any difference either. Tomorrow's events won't be changed by one's brooding for hours about them in advance. Of course, if the expected event is something that needs preparation, then one is well advised to prepare; but even if everything is prepared as much as it needs to be, there is no change in how it feels in those situations I'm referring to.

What holds us prisoners in such situations are emotions: we're hoping for something, or fearing something. They get their power from the importance that we assign those future events. (Remember, it happens only if it's going to have a considerable impact on how my life will go for a while.) And it's no accident either that they arise normally when we expect the outcome as something that isn't completely up to ourselves. A lot of painful emotion arises from our seeing ourselves as depending on events that we cannot control: those that come about by blind chance, or the actions of others, even things we might have been able to influence if we had only known about them earlier. Our fears and hopes are directed towards these.

This isn't good tactics: we should concentrate on the things that we can achieve: caution, and acting well when the moment comes. If you look back to similar situations in your past, you will notice that things happened which you couldn't influence, but those you don't take into account when you ask yourself how well you did, at the time. What counts is only what you actually did, given things were as they were. It will be the same in the future - what really is important is what you make of the situation, what you will feel, think and do.

So if you want to know how to best look towards a significant future event: instead of focusing on uncontrollable future things (hoping for or fearing them), you should rather focus on yourself, and what you're focusing on. Take care.

Necessity, dependence and emotions

There are certain biological necessities: we must eat, drink and sleep. We cannot live long (and certainly not well) without satisfying these basic needs. There are also certain pleasures in extension of them: eating refined meals, drinking good wine, and so on. With these things it's different - they are an extra, coming on top of those necessities. We may appreciate them, and try to arrange our lives so that we have the pleasure of them often, but that doesn't mean we think of them as indispensable. When the circumstances of our lives change and we get less of them (even, in extreme cases, none of them anymore), we might think of that as an impoverishment, but not the end of our world.

That's the sensible attitude, anyway. Some people, though, seem to feel stronger about these things. They actually value them so much that they have problems accepting to let them go when the situation calls for it. (They might even consider acting against their own better knowledge, contrary to their own best interests, to moral or in extreme cases legal considerations; perhaps not normally for a good bottle of wine, but think of drug addiction as an obvious example.) It's not so difficult to imagine such a situation. Think of the lover of great cooking who is invited to a gala dinner (known to him to be prepared by a famous chef), but whose aunt has been admitted to a hospital earlier the same day, with some severe illness. He can only go to one place in the evening - how will he choose? If he opts for the dinner, that tells us something about his character, doesn't it?

This is no longer just a preference, it's dependence (in the sense that we treat something as if our well-being depended on it). It's another way we stop deciding for ourselves - we are inclined to choose some course of action, just because of our fear of losing (or hope of gaining) that preferred, or rather depended on, thing. (Dependence of that sort also opens us to blackmail, or at least may make us prone to give in to others who can influence whether we get what we depend on.)

If we look at it the other way round, we can learn something interesting about the emotions here, too. People get emotional about those extras precisely to the extent they depend on them, rather than just viewing them as extras. They may become afraid of losing them, or entertain hopes of gaining some more of them, or feel pleasure just in anticipating them. Contrast this with the person who takes the sensible stance. She may also go for the extras when they are available, but will as well live without them when they aren't. She won't get emotional about these things: knowing their proper value, there won't be any fear or wild anticipation with respect to them.

Interestingly, then, these emotions indicate an error of judgment: taking something as more valuable than one should take it. Looking at that thing with a realistic view of its value, would simply make the emotion disappear. (Although the over-estimation may be so deeply entrenched with some people that it would be hard for them to ever get to that point.)

Then what about emotions that we might have about threats to our health, or bodily integrity? What's in question then is not an extra, but one of the more basic needs I mentioned. Does that make a difference? Well, it's certainly a different sort of case. But still, remember that at least in some instances, people have valued the lives of their children, the freedom of their country, or justice and truth high enough not to compromise it just for avoiding physical pain, or death. Take care.

Rely on your own judgment

Something bad has come up. But wait - how did you learn about it? And who says it's bad? Have you analyzed the situation yourself and come to that conclusion? Or did someone tell you, and you have just been infected by their mood?

If something bad is to expect, first convince yourself that it really is imminent, and that it is bad. You need to listen exclusively to your own judgment there. (Or, if you feel your knowledge and experience doesn't allow for a sufficiently well-founded judgment, then ask someone whom you trust; but again, you are the judge of who that should be - it shouldn't be just the first person who happens to talk to you.) More often than not, things may be bad - but not actually for you, but for someone else, who wants to get you involved; or things may be bad - potentially, in a few days (or weeks), but not yet; or things may be on a bad track - but you can still take corrective measures. All this must be considered before you give in to some feeling.

Thinking about it is a good idea, even if you indeed come to the conclusion that something unfavorable is emerging. By getting it into the open daylight you gain control: it is the unknown, the unclear and uncertain which provokes doubt and speculation about the real extent of what's going on.

You have to practice this: constantly monitor yourself and check whether your opinions, hopes and worries really are your own - or someone else's. Take care.

Old age

Imagine: You are old. Your body is frail; you're slow and every movement hurts; you have to think twice before taking any action, but even thinking about them is an effort. If you do something out of an impulse, you feel the consequences, often immediately, and you wish you hadn't done it. Sometimes you can't remember things; sometimes you are told you remember them incorrectly (and you can't tell, however hard you try). When younger people talk about their lives you're not able to follow; you often don't even know their meaning: words you haven't heard, things you haven't known in your day.

But there are compensations. You are relieved from all those desires and passions that pushed you around, captivated your mind and often brought you to do things you regretted later. The craving for all joys imaginable has stopped. There isn't much to be in your future - the only thing still to happen is death; if you live to see the next day, that's an extra, not something to expect. (If you get it, it's fine, if you don't, it doesn't make much difference any more.)

You don't have to wait for high age to have this comfort. (And how could you be certain to reach that age anyway?) What prevents you from taking the same attitude at once? After all, can you really be sure your next day won't be your last? Would it not be good to rid yourself of those desires and passions now? There is no necessity to let only a fading strength force you to adopt a point of view that benefits you. If you think about it, you may find good reason to decide yourself. Take care.

Voluntary control

Is it a plausible ideal (or a plausible goal that one might set for oneself) to appear completely immovable, indifferent and entirely in control to everybody? To show no emotions and look as if nothing at all could disturb one's mind?

Even if one works very hard to achieve this, it is extremely difficult to reach that goal. I think most people would also think of it as very unnatural; certainly others would feel uneasy in encounters with you if you built up such a cold, inscrutable facade.
But we have to distinguish between two versions: one would be a mere facade, with the ability to really hide everything that goes on behind it; but wouldn't this amount to mere play-acting, a doubtful means of deceit? (And what possible purpose might be behind this, if it wasn't a mean, probably a dishonest one?) The other would be the more extreme case of someone who does not only appear totally unmoved, but actually is. Most probably, this would involve eradicating almost every feeling, and it is doubtful that somebody can do this and still live a fulfilled, or even a normal life.

There are also certain bodily reactions that cannot be suppressed, and in general it would be unwise to do so: often enough they indicate some condition that has not yet reached our consciousness, but which already is recognized by the unconscious, or perhaps instinct. To train oneself to suppress this looks patently unwise. Take care.

Trust in others' reason

I'll give you a direct means for determining how reasonable people think you are: if they dare to leave you to yourself, they think highly of you; if they think they'll better keep a constant eye on you, you're not trusted very far.

As a border case, we take that latter attitude towards mad and insufficiently self-controlled people - we think it's dangerous for us (and for them) not to monitor them. In the other extreme, you can show your high respect for someone by giving them carte blanche in some matter; this will count all the more with them if that matter is of great consequence for you personally.

There is a complication to this. If you don't get that estimation, is this because you're actually not worth it, or because the the person who might have conferred it (but didn't) is misjudging you? And what does it mean that you are 'actually' not worth it? (Is there an independent way to tell, apart from how others treat you?) Also think about how often you yourself confer esteem in this way on others. Take care.

Relationships

We are deeply attached to some special people around us: our parents, friends, children, and partners in romantic love. This is among the most important and most valuable aspects of our lives. Being part of these relationships, and constantly getting involved more, and deeper, is one of the greatest (and perhaps most characteristically human) goods we can achieve.

At the same time, these relationships are also disturbingly at risk: any moment, we might be rejected; our dearest might have to leave us; or they might die. And what was of so much value to us - deeply affectionate, determinedly sustained, fiercely defended and at every possible occasion tenderly expressed - breaks away, ceases to exist (except in memories).

(Even if the other person is still there, that doesn't change much, for the value is in the relationship, in the participation of all those involved, and this is what has been destroyed.)

If we try to ignore that risk, we will be devastated by false emotions: some of the most powerful of them all are generated if we let ourselves be caught in this trap, both while the relationships still last (such as jealousy) and after they have ended (like distress). One way to make sure we are not taken by surprise is to systematically prepare: regularly contemplating the possibility, for each of our relationships, that it will end one day (a day which might be near already, for all we know).

Preparing ourselves, however, does not mean, and must not mean, attempting to secure us against the risk. This won't be successful at all - invariably it will only destroy the value in the relationship (and with it all the true love and affection which we brought into it). That value depends on our uncompromising stance. Avoiding the risk is as wrong as ignoring it: we would end up with a safe, but weak and shallow caricature of the real thing. We must be careful, then, not to drive our preparations in the wrong direction: yes, we acknowledge and make it clear to ourselves that all of our relationships must end, and that we can never know when and how that will happen; we open our eyes to that risk; but that insight must not prevent us even for a single moment from forming and intensifying attachments to those we love, to seek friends, to keep alive those connections we treasure. We mustn't shrink from bringing all our energy into them - but we mustn't close our eyes either to their inevitable ending. Take care.

Aim for a greater impact

In all the things you do when living your life: implementing projects at work, spending time with your family, fighting the bureaucracy, enjoying your favorite music ... have you sometimes paused and wondered how all this fits into a bigger picture, what point and meaning all these may have in the end? And when you went about reflecting so, did you have a clue how one would actually have to think about such things? There are no simple rules in these matters. (Simple rules are only for those who cannot think and choose for themselves.)

What you need is philosophy. Philosophy, in all its varieties, extends and refines your abilities in reflecting on your life, your broader goals, and their connection to what you're thinking and doing, day by day.

Engaging in reasonable and responsible activity is certainly part of living well - as you surely know if you found yourself somewhere in the list I've given above. Sometimes, however, you can have a stronger impact when doing something on a more general or more abstract level. The question is of course how to find these occasions, and how to get to the more abstract level. The study of these questions is what philosophers have done through the ages, and they have given answers (though no simple rules).

You may even observe that some of them have given up their chances to participate directly in the great game of life and withdrawn to work out their thoughts quietly, carefully documenting them for later generations. Sometimes it is good to spread insight on a more general level, and then (but only then) it may be preferred to engaging actively with the developments in the world.

And dispensing advice, as I'm doing here in my small way, will hopefully be helpful as well. True - it takes time and effort, but I think it's well spent. I can reach more eyes and ears that way than if I'd just apply it to my own life. There's a responsibility coming with that, of course. I must be certain that what I recommend is really sound, and effective. Otherwise, what would it be but another way of wasting your time (as well as mine)? Take care.

Counter the influence of the many

There is something uncontrollable about the influence that the masses can have on one, and it can't be completely avoided (i.e. consciously avoided). When you're among the many, chances are that you are swept away by that influence. Perhaps you have heard of the 'law of social proof', and similar phenomena?

The name already shows how dishonest it is: neither is it a law (it's only a bad habit many people have let themselves into, or have been conditioned into), nor is anything 'proven' by the mere fact that others had the same opinion. Most of the time, it's just the automatic pilot who's decided that drifting with the stream seems to be a safe option. It may be right, or it may be wrong - but it would be better if you decided that yourself.

The 'law of social proof' is, however, an actual phenomenon, and you'll find it everywhere, once you have learned to watch out for it. They use it actively: they'll make you think you want something by showing you how others have also wanted it.

But things are not desirable just because someone else desires them; make sure they have also value for you. Things are not funny just because others treat them so; isn't it actually a bit scary that someone else should have already determined what makes you laugh?

And then, have you noticed what stupid, boring and mindless stuff draws most of the attention in our world? Have a look at a random TV channel. Check out those newspapers and magazines with the large headlines and the stupid stories (they even use short sentences and simple language to make sure you don't have to be too bright to be a consumer). You'd be better off without this. Only think of all those hours of valuable time wasted on it - good, important time thrown away, invested in stuff you won't remember in just a week's time. True, lots of people do it - so does that make it a good investment? (Does it 'socially prove' something?)

You should not, of course, fall into the opposite error: don't take anything as wrong just because the masses have accepted it. When it comes to deciding what to think, there are no simple rules. You're not safe by just accepting what everybody thinks, but neither will you automatically be right by just opposing it. (Naturally, other people's view may sometimes be a factor in your considerations - but certainly not the only and decisive one.) Make sure that you are the one who is deciding what you want, and why you want it. Take care.

Progress

Making progress makes one see shortcomings one could not see before (it needed that bit of progress to see them, they can only be seen because of that advancement). But it also helps finding companions in what you are seeking - precisely because they share your sense of those deficiencies. The more insight you gain, the better friends you will be: you'll be having all the more in common. Take care.

Being different

Do you think that it is a good idea to demonstrate through your very appearance and behavior how different you are? Well, even taking for granted that you are different (and how many of those self-styled 'non-conformers' aren't) - what's the point of driving this into the perception of others?

It's also un-philosophical (if that counts anything for you). Having studied philosophy, one may have gained a bit of insight into what has made us what we are; insight perhaps into human reason and rationality, into the driving forces of societies or the laws of nature (and what it is that makes them laws, as opposed to just accidental regularities), and why truth, beauty and moral integrity are something worth our attention and our sustained efforts in gaining them.

Whatever your insights are - and assuming you have found them worth having - you may feel you are responsible to make them available to others, to communicate them somehow, and were it just by giving an example in acting according to them. But you can't convincingly suggest a better way of living to someone if you are demonstratively different, can you? Take care.

Letting go

Make your life easier by getting rid of the fear of losing it. (And in general, if you stop worrying about losing something, you'll much more enjoy it.) There is no point in that fear, anyway.

First of all, your life is running away, each and every day; it's not as if it were there for you, all of it, as long as you live, and then suddenly you lose it all. Contrast this with owning a sum of money: it's not as if you have the entire sum in your bank account, for a long time, and then suddenly lose it all when the bank goes bust - rather, day by day a small fraction of that amount trickles away, until finally nothing is left. You shouldn't focus on that final moment: there is nothing you can do then anymore. It is more prudent to do something with that money while it is still yours.

And why restrict your worries to a few exceptional situations? I'm going on transcontinental flights every few months or so, and I often find myself uneasily thinking about plane crashes or hijackers in the days immediately before. (What do you mean? I never said I'm myself free of it ...) But as we all know, that one of those happens to me is not really more probable than any accident at home. There is always danger and risk. We shouldn't ignore them, and there is nothing wrong with caution. But don't allow them to invade your thoughts with fears. Take care.

Choosing friends

There are certain things in my life - important decisions, distressing experiences, news that left me confused when I learned about them - which I need to talk about with a friend. That's important; I would find it much harder if that wouldn't be open to me.

In different respects I seek the advice of different persons, however. When unsure whether I should look for a new job, or generally when pondering career moves, I ask other persons than those who I talk to about concerns over my relationships; some people's philosophical advice matters to me; but from others I usually don't expect or ask for an opinion there. (And conversely, I find that my friends tend to discuss some of their interests with me, but not others.)

It seems to be naturally so with friendship (and not only with such aspects of friendship as giving comfort or advice, but also with others: helping each other out, promoting a friend's interest in their absence, making some effort to stay in touch through periods of geographical separation). Perhaps you are unusually lucky to have a single friend who can play all these roles for you - this would be a border case. (And do you think that this friend can see all these reciprocated in what you are able to give? If not, you should count yourself squarely lucky.)

Investing trust in different people in different situations displays some judgment, I think. Imagine someone who talks to the next best person whenever something comes up. Unless all of them are truly universally capable to help, that's bound to produce some frustration. The opposite extreme is not better of course: generally seeking no one's advice except from those who are a hundred per cent qualified for exactly that situation and that sort of help that you need. This will only lead in many situations to leaving no option at all. Take care.

Focus

These days the world around us is full of information, and one might easily become too distracted by it. By this I don't mean just the floods of dull entertainment and mindless rambling all the media are full of. Even if you ignore all that (and it definitely is wise to carefully filter it out from what you accept to be aware of) there is still a tremendous load of substantial information at your fingertips.

For example, those who are interested in a scientific paper today, a political background story tomorrow, and then get fascinated by a novel technology next week, and dedicate themselves to traveling shortly after that, just to return to some serious-again reading and half-writing an essay, only interrupted for that bit of top-news everybody talks about, and then ... (it's not even necessary to finish that sentence, don't you think?)

This is still superficiality, though a different sort of it. All these topics may well be more substantial intellectually than the daily soap. But then what are they chosen for? Mostly because they seem to be interesting, at any rate for the moment. But just a little later something else gets all more important, which then is replaced by just another thing - and none of them ever makes a lasting contribution to what makes your life your life. If you're interested in getting there, you have to focus. Take care.

Make good use of your time

There is only one thing that really, actually belongs to us - and that is the time that is given to us. Making good use of our life time should be the most important goal that we have.

To say that time is 'ours' is to speak figuratively, of course. The difference between time that we have and time that we don't have is not the same as the difference between, say, some money that we have or have not.

Money is something that may come and go - time isn't. We only have got a given amount of it (we don't even know how much), and losing that we end up with nothing. Every day of one's life, once it is wasted, will never come back.

It is a bit of an irony that often those are most likely to recognize this who have already spent most of their time. They have gained enough experience to see that it was the only thing they really should have valued. Those who still have most of their time before them are typically unable to find to that insight. They are caught in their misconception that death is still far away. However, to die just means to lose one's life, and that happens continuously, all the time. Take care.